Am I My Mother/Father?
Have you ever felt like one of your parents has cosmically transmitted themselves from thousands of miles away or perhaps from another dimension, in through the top of your head and out the end of your finger? Ever heard the very words you swore as a child or teen that you would never say falling out of your mouth? Ever thought, “Oh my God, I have become my mother/father!”

Of course, that can be a wonderful thought – when you are replicating one of their traits or behaviors that you so love and want to pass on to your children. For example, one day as one of my favorite dance tunes played on the stereo, I was dancing around while my pre-teen daughter was sitting at the table, one hand cupped underneath her chin and supporting what appeared to be her very heavy head while the other shoveled cereal from the bowl in front of her. She watched glumly for a moment, then sighed heavily as she rolled her eyes and exclaimed with exasperation, “Mom!” she said, forcing the words through her clenched jaw, “How come you’re so weird?!!!!”

Without missing a beat, I danced right on up to her, slipped an arm around her shoulders, smiled broadly, and looking her right in the eye replied, “Honey, I’m weird because my mother was weird. But you know, I’m weirder than my mother was,” and after pausing long enough to really let that information settle in, I added, “It’s genetic!” Indeed, traits and characteristics do appear to be genetic for today, at 18, she is quite happy and free to let loose and express her joy, even if it does make her a little “odd.”

But what about those traits we don’t want to inherit and pass on? Studies show that we will replicate 85% of our parents’ behaviors unless we consciously choose to change them. That’s the key – consciously choose – most of us are unaware of those patterns.

Awareness is the first step. Watch your children at play – have you ever heard your child giving his or her doll or dog the very same lecture you dished out earlier? What about body language? Have you ever recognized people from the same family through their gestures? And what are their gestures saying?

Years ago friends and I were enjoying a cup of tea when my two year old ran into the room, searching frantically for his favorite little tractor. “Sorry honey, I don’t know where it is,” I told him. With that he turned on his heel, lifted his shoulders and blew out an exasperated, “Hhhhhhaaaahh!”

“Did you see that?” I said when he’d gone. He’s been doing that a lot lately and I just don’t know where he gets it from!” My friends exploded into laughter and suddenly of course I knew – he was reflecting my ‘woe is me…why doesn’t life ever go my way’ attitude that I wasn’t even conscious of until that moment. Once conscious of it, I noticed it crept in quite often, at first. However, awareness is powerful and as I practiced simply letting it go when it arose it truly transformed my state of being, which of course impacted my son’s state of being and the general atmosphere in our home.

So what is your predominant state of being? How do you generally feel? What about your predominant mental attitude? What thoughts do you think most of the time? These are the values and habits that our children sponge right up, eventually assuming them as their own state of being and mental attitude. Essentially, these states and thoughts are what play out on the screen of life.

Actually, if we think of our lives as a movie and if we’re not happy with what is playing in any situation, how can we change the picture? Can you imagine getting up and talking to the characters in the screen and trying to shift them about? Where would that get you? It would only leave you feeling frustrated and powerless. Yet we do this habitually – the first thing most of us do when we’re not happy with others is to try to change them! This is a thought pattern – and a system of parenting that has been passed down for generations. After years of frustration following this pattern, a wise friend of mine once said, “You know, I’ve finally figured it out: our children are not here so we can teach them how to behave – they’re here to teach us how to behave!”

What if, instead of trying to change the characters on the movie screen of our lives, we decided to change the film? Our thoughts and states of being are the film and we are the only ones who can change it. When we do, we are consciously choosing which of our parents’ traits and behavior patterns we will keep replicating and passing on to our children.

If you’re not convinced that your thoughts and state of being are what “run the show” in your life, spend a day looking for, pointing out, and trying to change all of the mistakes and shortcomings of any one person with whom you spend a lot of time. (Doesn’t that sound like the role many parents have played throughout the generations?) Notice how you feel, how you think, and what reactions you get. Then (if that person is still willing to spend time with you) spend a day looking for and appreciating everything about that person and see how that changes your “movie” that plays out on the screen of life.

Be patient as you begin to notice and shift patterns of thinking and feeling. You’ll undoubtedly get caught up in the patterns before you realize you’re in them. Great stretches of time are likely to go by without you even noticing what you were thinking or feeling. That’s okay. After all, it’s estimated that we have 60,000 thoughts a day and most of us have not been trained to notice what they are, let alone take control of them.

Baby steps are all that’s required. Once you’ve identified a thought pattern or behavior you want to change, it’ll be easier and easier to catch it earlier until you eventually phase it out.

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