KamloopsParents.Com presents…
The KP “Been There Done That” Squad

Meet the BTDT Dads!  This month, we have a number of Dads sharing their thoughts for the first time!  So, we add to our panel of over twenty-five Moms!  

 Each day presents something new, somewhere we have not already been, something that we have not already done. So, why not look to someone who has?!  Someone else’s ides might inspire a new strategy or just make you feel like you aren’t alone, and maybe not so crazy after all?!

KP Been There Done That Squad – tips for potty training

KP Been There Done That Squad – addressing adults

KP Been There Done That Squad – best advice

KP Been There Done That Squad – sleep stories

KP Been There Done That Squad – mealtime techniques and picky eaters

KP Been There Done That Squad – favourite parenting items

KP Been There Done That Squad - treating a cold and rainy day entertainment

KP Been There Done That Squad – temper tantrum talk

If you have any questions, or would like to get involved, simply contact elizabeth@kamloopsparents.com

Today’s topic is Discipline Discussions

a) How do you get your kids to do what you ask? and b) What is your follow-through when they don’t?

Sophie
We try to be flexible here and decide if what we are asking them is really important to us. We try not to escalate matters unless it is something that we really want to fight about (pick your battles). For minor things, I will repeat, repeat, and repeat. When it is something I NEED them to do and they are refusing, I will often use hand-over-hand and take them through the activity myself. Then it gets done and they are learning how to do it at the same time. When all else fails, we give a Warning.
We are firm believers in the Supernanny Time-Out Technique. We get down and give a warning at their eye level. Follow through and put them in time-out if needed, reminding them why they are having a time-out. Use a timer (1 minute for each year of their age). After time-out, remind them eye-to-eye why they had a time-out. Ask for an apology and give hugs.
We have been doing this since our girls were 20 months old, and it has been amazing. We rarely have to use it, and the girls know exactly how it works. Sometimes, when they were in their “terrible two’s,” we had so many time-outs in a day, but we didn’t give up. My girls are now 3, and they are usually very well behaved little girls.

Leah
Well, I ask them…and the consequence for not following through depends on their age. The 3 year old will have a time out in her room until she is ready to do what she is asked. This always works, however, she will try to come out without doing whatever she needs to do and I just keep sending her back until she realizes that she will get to move on to fun things if she just does what she needs to do. For the older children, if they do not, for example, clean their rooms by the specified time then there will be a consequence like grounding from all technology for a certain period of time.

Elizabeth 
Oh discipline… the challenge!  The biggest challenge I face is seeing what I want not happen, because of whatthey want!  I sometimes struggle to keep my cool when my children (6, 4 and 2) are misbehaving.  My own self is the biggest element in allowing my parenting to be what I want it to be: consistent and with established expectation and consequence.  When my kids are misbehaving I will most often give them a few warnings (because, let’s face it, I get distracted).  The final warning will include a very clear expectation of what I want and “I asked you to come here, now, and I am going to count from five.”  Then, if I still have not seen the result I want, I will count down.  If I have reached zero and they have not made steps to (for example) come when I call them, then I take action.  Most often, this sees me taking some physical step to ensure that my request has been followed (going and bringing them to me, etc…).  If the situation escalates with a direct defiance of what has been asked, the consequence is stated and they will get a bottom-swat to deliver our point.

Sean
How do I get my kids to do what I ask? Sometimes I ask and they respond right away, other times they ignore me and once in awhile they yell NO and have a tamper tantrum. There are times where I’ve used bribery to get the kids to do what I ask but I always find it best when we are in a routine. When we all know in advance what we’re doing then the compliance and acceptance is always higher, everything runs smoother. I like to let them know in advance what I want them to do and give them a warning or two before they have to stop what they’re doing and do what I am asking them to do next. Unfortunately life doesn’t allow you to always give 10, 5 and 1 minute warnings for everything and that’s usually when I run into trouble.

What is my follow-through when they don’t? When I think about this question I realize there is not a consistent technique or strategy that I use. It really depends on the situation. Often when my kids refuse to listen it is when we need to be somewhere 5 minutes ago and we are in a big rush. More like I am in a rush and they are not. Discipline and consequence are a little tricky in these circumstances. I usually start by repeating myself and then again, louder. Sometimes they have to get sent to their room until I’m ready to deal with them and on a rare occasion I may carry them off to their room fighting the urge to shake them very hard. I have even spanked my kids on a few of the worst occasions and, although it gets an immediate response, feel it is not the way I would like my kids to respond from their punishment. That is out of fear.

I like to offer consequences to persuade or teach them but something immediate and relevant isn’t always available, especially with the youngest. Telling the two year old that there is no TV show in the afternoon for having a fit when it is time to leave in the morning doesn’t really do it. After lunch that tantrum’s already water under the bridge. With the older ones relevant consequences often hurt the other family members. Not going to an event or outing because one child is being difficult is not fair to those who want to go. Also avoiding the commitment that they are trying to avoid in the first place is not acceptable to me. The consequence varies and is often not as consistent as I would like.

Tamara
We have two boys with very different personalities, so my approach is different with each. Our older son is generally quick to comply although he loves to negotiate (and we encourage this). If he is in disagreement we always hear him out unless it’s a safety issue and compliance is required right away (then I yell). Sometimes we adjust our request based on his negotiation. We hope that the opportunity he has to self-advocate, formulate an argument and accept middle ground (or a no) at the end of the day are more important life skills than compliance.
Secondo? He really doesn’t seem to respond when he’s determined to do something on his own terms unless we raise our voice. Then he looks at us like ‘oh, you really mean it’ and generally complies. If he doesn’t, we take something away (like the opportunity to watch a family movie with the rest of us). At that point he usually has a tantrum which we ignore and then he accepts his fate and the outcome is almost always better the next time around.
Overall we believe it’s okay to change our minds because it means we are listening to their side of the story. Having said that, there are days I wish I was more of a disciplinarian and had better control of my boys, especially when we are out.

Ang
Discipline… this is a challenge! Sometimes my methods of discipline will vary depending on what action has occurred. I try to have age appropriate consequences for each of the kids (as disciplining my 9 year old is different than disciplining my 3 year old). I do time outs and I do take away things or ground them from things. What doesn`t change are these things: Be Consistent. Be Reasonable. Follow through.

Good luck!

Lara
We usually try asking politely. Then more strongly. If we have to ask a third time they are warned that we will take something away (usually a favorite toy) if they don’t do what they are asked. This works quite well with our daughter who is 5 – taking away her My Little Ponies for an evening is usually enough to get her behaviour back on track.

Jen H
When I have an expectation of my children I try to give them clear instructions as to what I want from them. I also try to phrase my requests in a way that gives a logical reason for it. Example. “It’d be a big help if you could tidy up your room, then I can vacuum without having to worry about sucking up your LEGO…” If they do not do as I ask I re-phrase my words to be even more specific. For example… “please put your toys away”, then…. “please pick up your Stuffies and put them on your bed.” If that doesn’t work I give the choice to do as asked or a consequence, this choice usually has to be made by the count of three. The consequences are usually in the form of lost of privileges or time-outs. The biggest thing is that burdensome follow though. If I say it I mean it

Dad G

It depends on what I am asking, but generally I try to keep positive and usually explain the reasons for doing what I am asking. I don’t ever say “because I said so”, you are only teaching your child to blindly follow and/or be a bully; it is our job to teach them how to interact with others.

If they don’t do what I ask, I again explain why they need to do it. If they still won’t do it I will threaten to take away something they like to do for the rest of the day or the next day (ie. no tv, no video games). If that results in a tantrum, they go in time-outs until they do what was asked. Even after they do what was asked I still follow through with the threat if time-outs were necessary. It rarely some to that in our house, it really comes down to consistency, following through, and mutual respect.

Jason
I try to keep him on a schedule so he’s not too hungry or too tired to make it a little easier for him, I also try to model good behavior around him. But if that doesn’t work I usually pick him up, having him look at me and have a little talk, if he continues with the behavior I’ll give him a timeout usually 1 minute per year of age I’ve been told is a good guideline. After he’s ready to talk I’ll have another little talk with him. Give him a hug and send him on his way to play; he is still young so this method still works.

Danica
My kids are 7 and 9 so I try to maintain a clear difference between me asking them to do something (a request; optional) and telling them to do something (an order; not optional). I always make sure to thank them for their compliance in either category. On the occasion that they do disobey an order, I always follow through with some form of discipline, depending on the situation. By being consistent with this approach, I find that orders are followed pretty consistently, requiring less discipline, and they are often very agreeable when my request is optional. I also find that obedience or disobedience has more to do with an underlying attitude than the details of each particular incident, so it is helpful to be aware of those attitudes, and constantly working to improve them.

Wendy
I try to ask using sign language (my son is only 14 months old). If he can’t do it on his own I help him after asking and waiting a tiny bit. If he can do it I repeat my directions and sign it, usually I show an example of what I want. In the case of needing him to be patient or if he is having a tantrum I tell him either that I want him to ask me nicely and wait until he is not scream talking or using his voice/signs. If my request isn’t being acknowledged or he doesn’t want to do what in a reasonable time frame it will depend on the situation. If there are other kids involved I walk over and show him what I mean…for example if he won’t be gentle I prevent injury and show him what gentle feels like. If there is a meltdown of some sort I wait for it to pass and then continue with instruction, unless it is a time sensitive thing then I help him complete the actions needed.

Erynn
My daughter’s still pretty little so doing what we ask usually consists of things like sitting on her bum on a rocking chair, not standing up or being gentle with the kitty.  Really basic things like that.  Our biggest strategy is lots of praise when she does as she’s asked.  When she doesn’t want to?  Again at her age we remove her from the situation, offer safe or appropriate things to do.  Sit her down in the chair or take her off of it,  take her away from buttons on the TV, give her a toy to distract her from the kitty.

Francy
I ask what is important and necessary so that it has impact.  And I give clear directions (i.e. a 5 min warning, description of task, reminders).  It certainly doesn’t always work, but mostly.  If I need to then I do tell him that I am disappointed and that it is important for him to listen to Mommy- he responds well to this!  Sometimes if things are really rushed and too busy, I’ll give him an ultimatum (if you don’t get your shoes and jacket on, then we won’t have time to go to gymnastics today).

Justin 
a) I use my manners. b) My follow through if they don’t is to start the count down 3…2… works almost every time!

Joshua
Discipline is a topic that any parent could write a book on, especially since different methods work for different children and parents. I think a majority of “discipline” is averted when parents express their joy when their children make good choices and display their sadness when they do not make good choices. When my child does not make a good choice I like to read stories that illustrate how to correctly handle situation or ask my child how they would like the situation if it happened to them (i.e. what if I did not listen to them or did not do what they asked or wanted). Then they can relate to the situation and hopefully make the appropriate decision the next time. Overall the key is to really emphasize the good choices your child makes and to clearly express it to them, heck, from time to time even sing the praises of your child’s good decisions to your spouse or significant other while your child is present. In the long run your child will connect your appreciation of their good choices, such as doing what is asked of them and want to make the good choices…. Your child might even do what you want before you need to ask!
My discipline and follow through depends on the child and action, but I generally turn to three aspects. The growth and education of the child; I will always talk with the child at eye level to calm the situation, hear their story, and put it in a perspective they can understand. Next I look at the severity of the action, as the discipline needs to match. If my son did not stop playing roughly with a toy I would talk to him about it and if he continued to play roughly with it the follow though would be him losing the toy since he could not play with it appropriately. If my son was rough housing and I asked him to stop and someone got hurt because he did not listen the severity of the discipline would be stronger. I also like having generic consequences that apply to all children, such as if a child does not clean up while everyone else does they have to clean the remainder themselves. This promotes evenness and reliability within the consequences.
Most importantly, consistently follow through. Do not use empty threats or state disciplines you are not going to follow through on!! The empty threats will be a wrecking ball that will quickly destroy positive behaviour you have built with your child. Lately my youngest son has been running away from my wife and I and has not been returning when asked leading to safety concerns about getting lost, or hurt in traffic. Therefore if he does not come when called we go to him, take away what he has, bring him to where we are and let him know he needs to come. One day he decided to yell and cry as a reaction in a store. Even with people who did not know the entirety and history of what we were dealing looking at us, we could not give in, as he would link his yelling to our giving in. Do not worry about what people are thinking. Your primary focus should be on the outcome of your child’s behaviour!

Jennifer H
My four-year old is (fortunately) very well-behaved, so she doesn’t often “argue” about doing something she’s been asked to do. On the occasion that she does, I remind her why it’s important that she do what she’s been asked. Sometimes I use the good ole’ phrase “I’m not going to ask you again!” And if she doesn’t follow through, then it’s usually a time-out in her bedroom for a few minutes, or until she is ready to come out and do what she’s been asked to do. Or, if she’s been asked to clean up her toys and doesn’t want to, for example, I will “take away” several favorite toys and tell her I’m doing that for a few days until she cleans up, as asked.

Ben
We’ve always been a big fan of leading by example and communicating clearly with the kids. We try not to sugar coat things and always attempt to explain why things are the way they are or why we’re asking them to do (or not do) something. Clearly communicating your intentions or explaining the situation does wonders. If they understand why they need to do something they are much more likely to respond positively. Giving them positive feedback when they follow your instructions really encourages them to do as you ask. Our oldest (currently 4) is often beaming with joy when he sees how happy we are that he’s done what we asked like putting his clothes in the laundry basket. So much so that he’ll take it upon himself to do it just to see the smile on our faces or get a high-five.
Of course, like anything else with children, this doesn’t always work and some kind of discipline or consequences are sometimes in order. Before taking those measures though we typically try to empathize with them and let them know that we understand how they are feeling but sometimes it has to be done anyway. For example we use phrases like “I understand that you’re tired and it’s hard to control your emotions but we need to ______ because …”. If this still fails we talk to them about consequences. For example if they still refuse to do what we ask we clearly state to them that it’s their choice to refuse but there will be consequences and we explain what those are. We like to make it clear that they are in control of choosing which path they want to take. This can also fail in certain situations though and sometimes you just have to get down and dirty and stuff a limp, crying child into their snow suit even if they don’t want to come for the ride

Miranda
I start as early as I start to see that little will. Somewhere around 8-9 months and they are crawling reaching for things I start by telling them “no” firmly when they reach for something they shouldn’t, stopping them a few times to get idea across. Then I watch to see what they do, rather than me removing or stopping them I watch for them to reach for it again. Then I say “no-no” and tap the offending little hand with my finger. Training for early obedience makes the school-aged years much easier.

Myles
It is definitely a challenge, and I know it is probably very dependent on both the children and the parents. But to just dive into the question, I know the outcome is usually best when I show patience with my ‘ask’. I still attempt to remain in an authoritative role, and I know showing patience can’t always be easy. After doing so, I just resort to the standard technique of counting down from 3. Since the boys have gotten use to this, they realize this is the ‘ask’.
When they don’t follow-through, we deal with them in different ways depending on what the ‘ask’ was or what is currently happening. There are usually three main results. For something like not eating dinner, we will either send them to their room or make sure they sit at the table until they try all of the food. For most discipline, it involves sending them to their rooms, or simply taking away a privilege like toys, movies, etc.

Kylie
My kids seem to go through stages where they listen really well, and when they seem to not listen at all. Of course with 4 kids, there is often someone not listening! I have always told my kids that if they don’t like what I’ve asked them to do they can tell me that, and their reasons, but if I still want them to do it, that’s the end of it. At that point they have to do it even if they don’t want to. When they don’t listen, I count to 3. If they’re not doing whatever it is by then, there is a consequence.. But, when I’m busy often they are reminded more times than they should be until I have a moment to do the follow through. I normally will use a time out when my kids don’t listen. If that doesn’t work, then they loose privileges, like computer time etc…. And… sometimes, when I’m feeling stressed, I will shout. I can’t lie, that does work very well since they’re not used to it, but everyone ends up feeling badly. I also try hard to notice when the kids are listening and praise them for it.

Alison
At 3 & 5, the boys definitely don’t always do as asked. First off, I try to make sure I am asking, not telling, them to do something. Secondly, unless they are looking at me when I ask them, I will repeat myself once more. The most important thing I find, is that if I’m asking them something, and I want them to do the ask, I can’t compete with distractions (lego, tv etc.) and I need to get down to their level. And I admit, I don’t always do this – sometimes my ask comes while I am doing a mad dash through the house getting ready for work, and the tone of voice is quite raised. Does this always work… see the next point.
So, if there is no response after I have repeated myself, I count down… 3… 2… 1… rarely reaching zero. Often repeating the ask and the boys full name while I’m counting. On the occasions I do reach zero, the boys are either sent to their room, or have a smack on the bottom, or both depending on the behaviour/response/ask. Once they are done in their rooms, we try to discuss the behaviour at this point (ie, why didn’t you do what was asked), and we repeat the ask if appropriate.

Krystal

I ask nicely and make sure that they are focused on me. Eye contact works wonders. If I ask them while I am distracted and they are distracted no one tends to get what they want. If I take a moment to look them in the eye or to turn off the television, prepare them for what I am asking life seems to go smoother.
b) In the event that they don’t comply I count to three – I almost NEVER say three. In the event that I get close to three I suggest consequences. They are usually drastic and in my mother’s opinion harsh but I don’t particularly care to waste time with non-compliance. I am busy and reasonable I just need them to wash their hands!

About your Author | Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a Kamloops lifer. Born at RIH, she is happy to be raising her family here. Married with three wonderful children, Elizabeth is a full-time teacher and enjoys working with parents as she learns more about this "Mommy gig". Elizabeth is passionate about parenting and enjoys networking with other parents. She has been running KamloopsParents.Com since March 2010.